So much raving, ranting, and whining! I must count my blessings, quietly. I still feel a bit sore. But it's a cliche and always something one must bear in mind, that there are others in far worse states. Not much of a comfort, but true comfort nevertheless. And there are always options, really, if one has some clarity and stoutness of heart. |

More and more I think "whatever whatever". I want to be a goatherd. Not really, but there's the general idea. I think I want an MBA, and a part-time degree, and an additional language. Then - query beauty, query love, but oui to freedom. I've discovered my passion for carbs, yet again. I also love fat, but that's the baseline, and I can always feel my curry and ice-cream and milk and butter chugging merrily along my arteries. That's why I shouldn't even think of going into Paeds. Or anything I hate, really. Life's too short to slave away, especially since you only hit consultant when you're wrinkled, eye-baggy, a style relic, kyphotic, and weird... Eyucks. I want a job that allows me to not scrape the dirt off consultant's shoes, to hike up Machu Picchu and inhale the thin air, and to say "I think I've seen something" instead of "I know the classification of a zillion cancers". When did doctoring become a monotony, lit by sparks of splendour that are so rare, getting rarer? How is interest stifled? Really I shouldn't have read so many books when I was young, and believed that Conan Doyle typified doctors. How can wisdom and apprenticeship, and revelation and beauty, and character, humour, vividness, live in this age of PBL and cost-cutting and healthcare tourism and consult whoring?
I think I'm essentially empathetic, but unsympathetic. I can picture all sorts of terrible things that others bear, but I must then devote and attend and make absolutely sure, and that's the path to going quite perfectly bonkers. So the alternative is to be cool and cold and intellectually hard-hearted, and where's the joy in that? I can deal with hateful forms, juggle and twist them into manageable things, but it's been like that for so long now. I've always subsumed interest for practicality, as far as as the general scheme goes. But can this be a life? Yes, actually, but it's a quiet kind of horror. The same horror that made me drop AEP, and choose Japanese, and endure Physics. All for - indentured slavery, and more memorisation, and exhortations from people I cannot imagine myself becoming. |

Watched "Matchpoint" some time ago. Thoroughly gross characters, still, better than "Annie Hall". Andreas Scholl's a marvellous voice. Also, couldn't stop listening to George Michael's Wham! hits for a while. Plus The GoGos, and "Islands in the Stream". I can't account for my tastes. |